"Hey Pops, I can WALK faster than this!!"

Ok, I’ll admit it.  I’m a back seat, sitting next to you, in the car behind you kind of driver. I tell you how to drive.  Not necessarily in the positive instructional kind of way. Sometimes I yell pretty bad things at you (but only if you’re in the other car and can’t hear me.) It is because I am the only person in the world who truly knows how to drive correctly. I think you need some help in the driving way of things. Blinkers on your car are there for a very good reason.  They let me know if you’re going to cut in front of me doing 80mph on the thruway. If you don’t use them, I’m going to have to swear at you because you make me nervous and I’m driving fast too.  So how about using your blinkers, Bub? I don’t call everyone “Bub”.  Sometimes I call them “Mack Daddy” if they’re driving a fancy giant pick-up.  I might say something like “get off my ass, Mack Daddy!!  75mph isn’t fast enough for you????”  Sometimes I call people “Pops”. Those are the people driving 20mph.  I might say something like “Hey Pops, I can walk faster than this!” but I don’t say that loud because I don’t want to upset “Pops”.  I’m going to be old someday too. I might say “Hey Sweet Cheeks, how about you get off your cell phone and pay attention to the speed limit???”.  Occasionally, I will call someone an asshole but I am VERY careful not to let them hear that one.  After all, they are being an asshole.  This part of my instructional methods though is not nearly as annoying as my need to help the person driving next to me.  They don’t know how to drive either and for the life of me.. I don’t know how they managed all these years without my help.

I used to point out to my second husband that our turn was coming up.  He finally turned to me and said “Stop telling me how to drive!!!” (He didn’t actually yell because he never yelled at me but he said it in a yelling kind of way.  So I stopped.   I watched time after time, as we drove past our turn. I said nothing.  He liked to drive straddling the center line.  I finally asked him what that was about.  He said it was the safest place to be in case a deer came running out of the woods.  Ok. But my current man drifts over the white line too and stays there.  I know because I am on the passenger side and the right hand line is going under my feet. I don’t think we’re watching out for deer. So I casually mention it to him. (I learned a little something from my ex!) 
“Babe” I say (that’s always a good way to start off telling someone how to drive), “seem to be kind of drifting to the right”.  “No I’m not” he says.  Now I have to step it up a notch and tell him that I can see the line going under my feet. He just brings the car back into the correct lane and doesn’t say anything else. But he’s not happy.  I can tell.  So when I see he’s driving 25 miles over the speed limit.. I’m hesitant about what to do.  Finally I have to tell him.. “Babe” (it worked so well the last time!)  “the speed limit is 35mph here.”  He says “I’m only doing 40mph and that’s ok”.  “Yes” I tell him “40mph is ok but you’re doing 60.” He looks down and realizes that I am right.  Still says nothing and brings it down to 40mph.  What does he do when I’m not in the car??? Become Mario Andretti????   This leaves me in a very precarious situation.  Do I keep my mouth shut and silently pray that no cop is nearby or do I continue to perform my duties with the best of intentions in spite of the fact that I am VERY annoyingly right?

I’m not sure how I got so good at driving and why the rest of you continue to struggle out there on the road but if I can be of assistance to you.. just roll your window down and I’ll be there for you.  And by the way if you hear me yell “Hey Asshole!”,  I’m not talking to you.