"I Know What Is Making Us Fat"

It’s not what you think.  Well, it is, but the reason behind it all,  that’s what I’m talking about.  We all seem to have this rather forceful craving for chocolate chip cookies and  apple pie.  Did you ever ask yourself why? They had apple pie forever but everyone wasn’t fat.  They would come home after a hard days’ work, take a deep breath and smell apple pie in the oven. It was dessert and maybe breakfast the next day.  Then they didn’t think about “ooohhh, I wish I had me some more apple pie”.  It was end of story. But today, we buy these scented candles call things like, “Maple Apple Pie”  and Warm Cinnamon Bun” And “Summer Peach Pie”  and we light them every day, making our homes smell like something fresh out of the oven.  The smell of vanilla, (according to aromachologist) (there really is such a thing as a person who studies peoples reaction to smells) makes us feel good, peaceful and even promotes weight loss.  It brings us comfort and a sense of satisfaction.   HA!!!! I say HA!!!!   Nothing makes me want a cookie more than the smell of vanilla.  That is the leading scent of candles sold in the world.   Look around your house.  Tell me the scents of your candles don’t make you hungry!!  They do.  I’m burning Key Lime Pie now and I could seriously go for a piece!

I started putting 2 and 2 together when I saw that Renuzit has come out with a new scented jelly thingy that people put in the bathroom.  The scent was Chocolate Raspberry.  Who wants their house to smell like chocolate raspberry????? Let alone the bathroom????  Now we all know about the scented spray cans that are supposed to disguise the smell of your poop.  Somehow, we thought that by spraying this stuff, anyone entering the bathroom after us would think that our poop reminded them of tangerines or apples.  But it doesn’t really work that way.  It doesn’t eliminate the smell of your waste.. it just sort of co-mingles with it crating a curiously ambiguous aroma.  Now imaging chocolate raspberry poop????  Not working for me!!

I think that every candle, every spray stuff, every soap should smell like pine. “Why” you say?  Because first of all, we’re not heading into the kitchen to find something yummy when we smell pine.  We’re not looking to munch on some tree bark.  Secondly, pine, smells like the woods and we know that bears poop in the woods so the smell sort of works in the bathroom.  And thirdly, smelling pine just might make you want to go for a walk in the woods thereby also assisting in health and well being.  There you have it my friends.  We can solve the obesity problem in this country if we just get rid of our yummy scented candles. No one… I repeat, no one, has a broccoli scented candle. How easy is that? I think that maybe I could win an award for this life altering revelation but feel free to pass on my theory, (and throw out your blueberry cobbler candle)

"Martha Stewart is Not A Real Person"

She’s not.  I know that whole prison thing and her doing some insider trading but I think that was made up too.  It gave her “Street Cred”  only she’s not real anyway.  I get “Living” magazine.  I don’t know why.  I know that you know I’m no domestic queen or anything close. It just showed up in my mailbox one day.  I don’t pay for it.. (at least not yet).  That magazine had these beautiful orange and white cookies on the cover and I thought Oh, this will be a fun.   I flipped through the magazine until I got to the cookie page and began to read the directions for making those cute little orange and white cookies. First of all, I don’t know what half of the directions meant. Secondly, the recipe was filled with  ingredients that sound like we might have them somewhere in our pantry (like Cream of Tartar) but we actually don’t and never did, and thirdly (Martha probably never says “thirdly”) she wanted us to take out our tiniest little paint brush and PAINT the orange stripe on with food coloring!!!  Seriously??? Paint the perfect little swirly orange lines on those cookies that I would pop into my mouth in one split second? She’s got to be kidding or my theory.. she’s not real. Needless to say, I did not attempt those cookies nor have I remembered to pick up any “cream of tartar” at the market.

But next month, there it is in my mailbox again, looking all pretty with these fancy s’mores with stars cut into the cookie top.  Ok, I’m suckered in again!   Cookie dough made from whole wheat flour, wheat germ, unsalted butter!  WHY would I have unsalted butter?????  Ok, not only that but after you make the dough, you ROLL it out onto a floured surface. Now where the hell is that rolling pin that was my mom’s and that I haven’t  used in about 38 years??  Nothing wrong with GRAHAM CRACKERS!

Now on to what products Martha uses in her daily skin care, 1. Ciminelli Hydrating Gel Mask, $75, 2. Chanel Fresh Brightening Foam Cleanser $60, 3. Susan Ciminelli Marine Lotion  $95, 4. Skinceuticals $146.  It goes on from there.  These are the things that make Martha’s skin look so fresh.  But she really doesn’t need any of these very expensive products.  Because she’s not real.

The final straw was this month.  It’s called the “Home” edition and inside are pictures of Martha’s’ daughters’ apartment. The nursery has been decorated with primary color coded appropriate wooden toys for the shelves and a mural that Martha personally made with caribou hide that she brought back from one of her many trips to caribou land (where ever the hell they live!) I can’t wait for those kids to grow up and puke purple grape juice or mash sticky bananas into that mural.  They will. They will also want big plastic monsters and guns and toys that make a lot of noise.  Martha and her daughter would know that if they were real.  They’re not.

Also in this month’s magazine, there is a recipe for “Beet Mash Lemon Shrub Cocktail”.  I just had three days off from work , stuck at home with no car out in the country.  I had some time on my hands to be creative.  One thing I know, if I had a thousand days with nothing to do… I would still never ever consider making “Beet Mash Lemon Scrub cocktails. (even if I had the ingredients!!!)

Sorry to disappoint you but I think I have made my point. Martha Stewart is as real as Mary Poppins, Betty Crocker, Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny.  So relax, you can’t be what doesn’t exist.   As for s’mores?  just mash up some graham crackers, dump them in a mug with some mini marshmallows and some choco-chips.  Microwave till gooey, get a spoon. Done.

"It's Always Something"

Well, if that isn’t one of the most obvious statements ever made!  I can’t actually believe that someone said that one time and then it became  a “saying” like “things happen for a reason” and “It is what it is”.  Picture the scenario… you lost your job, your wife ran off with the mailman, the cat has been missing for days and just when you think it couldn’t get any worse.. the milk in the fridge is sour!  You call up your Mom to tell her  this unbelievable new development and she says… “It’s always something.”  As a way to console you.

Of course it’s always something because otherwise it would be nothing!  There! That’s my new response to “It’s always something”.  But I kind of get the concept behind it all.  I think that the Universe becomes very comfortable with how things all work together.  There is a fragile and necessary relationship between everything that is.  It is somewhat like a pyramid and we are constantly subjected to the trials and tribulations of our particular position in its structure.  In other words, the Universe likes to keep everything secure in the foundation.  That’s why we can’t all be Donald Trump.  Throughout our history of existence, a “cast system” or closed social system, allowed some distinctive privileges and unequal rights, while others had no chance to rise above their station. You were born into your place in the big pyramid of life and there was no getting to the top.  Those were and are, government systems put in place to benefit the chosen.  But sometimes I think the Universe has a “Caste System”. “Something” always keeps you where you are.  Hence… “It’s Always Something”.  I’m not complaining.  I am fortunate to be in a rather pleasant position and I have been able to maintain my “station” so to speak.  

I have been going to Physical therapy for a shoulder issue.  It’s been costing me a  $20 co-pay which means I am lucky and have health insurance (thanks to my late husband Tom).  Still, $20 three times a week adds up!  So yesterday, they tell me insurance thinks I’m good enough and I have to continue the program at home.  Ok.  I can do that and it saves me $60 a week.  I’ve been wanting to buy an outdoor gas grill for Joe. (He likes meat).  Last night when I get out of work, my car doesn’t start.  Dead.  Called AAA, they came, gave me a charge, sent me on my way.  I almost didn’t make it home but when I did, car dead again.   Ok.  I call AAA again this morning but they can’t help me because there is a giant fire in a transformer recycling plant nearby and we all have to stay inside (including car repair guys)  I call work, they have it covered.   AAA finally comes to look .. not sure but they think it is the alternator AND the battery!  (It appears as though I should NOT have driven home after the AAA guy not so charged  my battery last night)  It’s ok.  Really.  Because I can pay for the repairs.  After all I was paying $60 a week for the last month.  It’s probably going to cost a little more than that which means that not too much can go wrong in September.  I paid for my broken tooth/crown, and my shoulder is getting better so it might mean I could get a strange rash or something easy like that.  No matter what I think the car repairs will cost… it will be more.  At least I have a car 

 Like I said, The Universe must always keep things balanced.  It really is “always something”.  And if you want to be on top… there’s going to be A LOT of something.  I do not want to hit the lottery because I cannot imagine the catastrophe that would cost me a million bucks afterwards!