She’s not. I know that whole prison thing and her doing some insider trading but I think that was made up too. It gave her “Street Cred” only she’s not real anyway. I get “Living” magazine. I don’t know why. I know that you know I’m no domestic queen or anything close. It just showed up in my mailbox one day. I don’t pay for it.. (at least not yet). That magazine had these beautiful orange and white cookies on the cover and I thought Oh, this will be a fun. I flipped through the magazine until I got to the cookie page and began to read the directions for making those cute little orange and white cookies. First of all, I don’t know what half of the directions meant. Secondly, the recipe was filled with ingredients that sound like we might have them somewhere in our pantry (like Cream of Tartar) but we actually don’t and never did, and thirdly (Martha probably never says “thirdly”) she wanted us to take out our tiniest little paint brush and PAINT the orange stripe on with food coloring!!! Seriously??? Paint the perfect little swirly orange lines on those cookies that I would pop into my mouth in one split second? She’s got to be kidding or my theory.. she’s not real. Needless to say, I did not attempt those cookies nor have I remembered to pick up any “cream of tartar” at the market.
But next month, there it is in my mailbox again, looking all pretty with these fancy s’mores with stars cut into the cookie top. Ok, I’m suckered in again! Cookie dough made from whole wheat flour, wheat germ, unsalted butter! WHY would I have unsalted butter????? Ok, not only that but after you make the dough, you ROLL it out onto a floured surface. Now where the hell is that rolling pin that was my mom’s and that I haven’t used in about 38 years?? Nothing wrong with GRAHAM CRACKERS!
Now on to what products Martha uses in her daily skin care, 1. Ciminelli Hydrating Gel Mask, $75, 2. Chanel Fresh Brightening Foam Cleanser $60, 3. Susan Ciminelli Marine Lotion $95, 4. Skinceuticals $146. It goes on from there. These are the things that make Martha’s skin look so fresh. But she really doesn’t need any of these very expensive products. Because she’s not real.
The final straw was this month. It’s called the “Home” edition and inside are pictures of Martha’s’ daughters’ apartment. The nursery has been decorated with primary color coded appropriate wooden toys for the shelves and a mural that Martha personally made with caribou hide that she brought back from one of her many trips to caribou land (where ever the hell they live!) I can’t wait for those kids to grow up and puke purple grape juice or mash sticky bananas into that mural. They will. They will also want big plastic monsters and guns and toys that make a lot of noise. Martha and her daughter would know that if they were real. They’re not.
Also in this month’s magazine, there is a recipe for “Beet Mash Lemon Shrub Cocktail”. I just had three days off from work , stuck at home with no car out in the country. I had some time on my hands to be creative. One thing I know, if I had a thousand days with nothing to do… I would still never ever consider making “Beet Mash Lemon Scrub cocktails. (even if I had the ingredients!!!)
Sorry to disappoint you but I think I have made my point. Martha Stewart is as real as Mary Poppins, Betty Crocker, Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny. So relax, you can’t be what doesn’t exist. As for s’mores? just mash up some graham crackers, dump them in a mug with some mini marshmallows and some choco-chips. Microwave till gooey, get a spoon. Done.
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