"I Know the Difference between Men and Women"

 my six year old son said to his big brother.  Ben, ever so patient and kind, said to his little brother… “what is the difference, Joey?”  “Well, women wear earrings and men don’t” he proclaimed.  Ben told him that that was not the case in that men today often wear an earring and pirates wear them all the time.”  “Ok” Joey said, “Women have long hair and men have short hair.”  Ben explained to him that men can wear their hair very long, showing him examples of current rock stars, and that women sometimes wear their hair very short.  About to give up on the process, Joey shouts  “I know.. women don’t fart and men are proud of theirs’!!!!!”  Ben smiled at his little brother, shook his head and said “That’s right, Joey.  That is the difference between men and women.”

To all the women who have dated my sons over the years, I’m sorry.  I know, I should have told them that we fart too but I just couldn’t.  If you ever farted in front of them, I’m sure they looked at you like you were some alien goddess thing from some comic book planet. (Especially if you had really big  boobs) I didn’t let them know.  I even let them take the blame for one that might have slipped out silently. Women aren’t proud of our farts.  We do not call attention to them .  We do not even call them “farts”. We say “passing wind”  or “a little gas”.  When my Father had a little gas,  he would explain to anyone within earshot,  “I shot a bunny.”  He shot a lot of bunnies.  As a matter of fact, I not sure he ever missed an opportunity to “shoot a bunny”.  He seemed pretty proud of his marksmanship.  With the male species, there is always a “squeaky chair” a “duck call”  “cutting cheese”  “stepping on a toad” etc. But no matter what they call it, they like to bring attention to it with pride.  It might be that there is some sort of rating system for farts but if so, I’m a woman and I wouldn’t even begin to understand the criteria for judging.  You see, I’m embarrassed to “pass wind”,  “let out a little gas”.  Oh I know it’s just a body function and that we all do it.  But I just might be a lot more comfortable farting if you did not call attention to my farts as well as your own. Because we have tried hard to be more ladylike and not fart in front of you, when we do, you seem to think it is a call to celebrate.  I’m not giving you a high five for my fart, just not going to do that. I didn’t mean to fart.  I didn’t just “lift a cheek and let er’ rip.” It just somehow sneaked out. “Let er’ rip” is what the nurse told my boyfriend after he had his colonoscopy.  He said “that’s what I do any way!”.  He doesn’t.  He’s pretty considerate about farting.  He just wanted the nurse to know that he was “proud” of his farts.

To my grown sons, I’m sorry.  I should have told you.  I hope that this misunderstanding has not been a factor in your relationships and that this is not the reason why NONE of you are married yet.  So when you meet a woman and it all seems just right, and she lets out a little squeak, look at her tenderly, and say, “beans do that to me too”.  Instead of “Whoooooa.. Did you just lay down a big fat juicy one??????” I hope this instruction is not too late.

Dear Joey, there is a huge difference between men and women, a chasm so deep that I cannot even begin to tell you.  I’m sure you already know that.   Farting in one of the differences.  We all do it but women do not appreciate this bodily function with the same gusto as you.  Some day, when you are raising your little family,  tell the girls it’s ok to pass wind and let the boys know that we do but don’t want to talk about it.    Parenting advice from your Mom who occasionally farts.